


desperate to fall, destined to fly

by firthycreature



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angsty Neil, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Sex, M/M, References to Depression, Romantic Soulmates, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, charlie is being the most supporting friend, charlie is straight in this one, neil is 18, soulmates - on your 16th birthday you get your soulmate's first thought about you, todd is two years younger than neil, written on your left wrist
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/firthycreature/pseuds/firthycreature
Summary: Neil wants to live and to love on his own terms.
Relationships: Charlie Dalton & Neil Perry, Charlie Dalton/Original Female Character(s), Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 3
Kudos: 101





	desperate to fall, destined to fly

**Author's Note:**

> Huh, I've really enjoyed writing this. And to my surprise, Neil's pov was quite fun to write, although I thought I'm more of a Todd person.

Neil is really reluctant to go to Charlie’s party. But he insists, and sometimes you just can't say no your best friend, even if it also includes being in one room with a horde of sweaty, horny teenagers.

But Charlie’s so-called soulmate, Marnie is going to be there, and to say Neil isn’t quite fond of her is like to say nothing. A loud, pretentious brat, constantly trying to impress everyone. What does Charlie even see in her, honestly? And what was she thinking, stepping into their lives like that and stealing his best friend from him?

He knew that this day would eventually come, but he didn’t expect to feel so left out when it does. And he really shouldn’t be, because Charlie is always able to find time for him, and Neil is happy for his friend, he really is, but life just has been feeling somewhat different ever since. He refuses to even consider jealousy as the reason.

And although he has never been into this “soulmate business” before, maybe he could use one right now. Just to fill the gap. To keep himself busy. To stop feeling so darn lonely. And he knows perfectly well that he needs to be taken care of, to be surveilled by anyone who cares. Because he can’t vouch for his actions when he will once more find himself consumed by the darkness of the night, ruthlessly piercing through his mind and pushing him to feel and do the worst things. Earlier it was Charlie who settled him down, but now he’s been left alone, forced to cope with everything on his own. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to bother Charlie anymore, while he’s just begun this new chapter of his life and is busy enough without Neil’s problems.

When Neil got his mark on his sixteenth birthday, he didn’t really care. One day his left wrist was covered only with faded scars, and the next day there was a small tattoo accompanying them. However, despite not liking its inevitable connotations, he always thought it looked quite cool and even a bit funny.

“That’s a soft hand.” It said. _Well, you should thank my moisturizer for that._

He has had love interests before and after that, of course he has, there was a romantic in him, but he never had assigned any depth to them. It was pleasant, all this hugging, and kissing, and the sex, too. It all made him feel really good, he did enjoy that, there was no denying it, but it never felt exactly right, and at some point he would always get annoyed with their obsession about soulmates. “Neil, I really hope it’s you, don’t you think it would be just great?” or, after he turned sixteen “Oh, that’s too bad, I really hoped it would be you.” And they would break up with him immediately after. For most of them it was pointless to maintain a relationship with a person who’s not their destined one, even for the fun of it.

And it was hard to blame them. The whole world just screamed to everyone’s faces that they HAVE TO find the RIGHT person, or else their whole being will turn out to be pointless. He hated the idea that the decision has already been made and he didn’t get a say in that matter. That he can’t be happy loving whoever he chooses to, but instead, he has to submit to some stupid words on his wrist.

The pressure to seek for your destiny is nearly unbearable, but he has to admit, however unwillingly, that it does have a fair point. He’s got the bitter evidence at his own home. His parents didn’t manage to find their soulmates and he can describe their marriage with many words, but happy is not one of them.

He started covering the tattoo with a dark, flowery bandana almost immediately after he got it, refusing to look at it and to show it to anyone. When someone asks, he says it’s because he doesn’t want to show the scars, although people usually assume the same thing right away, without even asking, and that’s convenient. But that’s also bullshit. He’s not embarrassed with his scars, they are a part of him, and despite not being pretty, they make him feel whole.

The only person he’s told something close to the truth is Charlie.

“Actually, what’s that with you and this cloth on your wrist?” he asks him once, few months after they had first met.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.” Neil at first doesn’t want to reveal himself, but Charlie keeps badgering him and he finally gives up. “There’s my soulmark underneath it.”

“Why hide it? You should be proud of it.” Showing off things is definitely one of Charlie Dalton’s things.

“I just… I don’t really feel comfortable with that stuff.” Neil says awkwardly.

“What, does it say something silly?” Neil only laughs bitterly and shakes his head. “Want to talk about it?” Charlie smiles at him, encouragingly. “You know you can, right?”

Neil hesitates for a while, but he trusts Charlie. “It’s… I don’t know, I feel like all I’ve ever wanted was to take control over my life, but with this thing going on, I don’t think that I will ever be fully able to… to be the captain of my own ship, you know?” He stares at his wrist for a while, looking concerned. “And what if it’s wrong? What if this person I’m going to find, _if_ I’m ever going to find them, is not at all my soulmate? I will be condemned to spend my whole life with someone I don’t even remotely like.”

They gaze into the sky for a moment, Charlie thinking about something witty to say, but instead, he just hugs him. And Neil lets himself cry, for the first time in a very long time. That’s the moment he realizes having a friend like that is a blessing in all this deficiency of life. And that maybe he actually likes people, not overall, but the right kind of them.

But, anyways, maybe Dalton was right after all, maybe Neil needs some fun once in a while. It’s not like he has any better plans for the evening.

***

The party doesn’t turn out to be that bad. The place is in fact crowded, but in a cozy way, and Charlie is doing his best to make Neil feel okay. The boys from high school that he genuinely liked to spend time with are also there, willing to accompany him throughout the night, and he enjoys himself more than he thought he would at first. He feels homely.

Sometime around midnight the small amount of alcohol in his blood tells him that he needs a smoke, so he excuses himself.

While lighting the cigarette he notices there’s someone sitting on the stairs of the porch, quite unusual for a cold night like this. He doesn’t recognize that someone, so he thinks it would be polite of him to go and say hi.

“Neil Perry. Charlie’s friend.” He says as he approaches the boy and initiates a handshake. “Nothing like fresh air, huh?”

“Name’s Todd. Marnie’s my cousin.” He looks a little startled but accepts the handshake. Their eyes lock for a moment, a bit too long, maybe, but it doesn’t matter. Neil thinks that this boy’s face is simply the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. It’s delicate, and brave, and dignified in a way, and he could literally drown in his deep, blue eyes. And it may seem cheesy, but it is what it is. When their hands part, Neil feels all weird. As if there was a spark dancing between his fingers, and something warm has just spilled onto his chest. “Fresh air, no, not quite. Just needed some time by myself.”

“Oh, sorry to interrupt you, then.” _Was that disappointment? God, you’re desperate, Perry._

“No, you’re not. I would even be willing to say that company wouldn’t _exactly_ kill me.”

“In that case, may I have this honor to accompany you, Todd?” _That was pathetic, good job._ Todd nods. Neil sits next to him. He wants to keep bigger distance, but there’s an invisible hand pushing him towards the boy. Their shoulders meet and then there is this warmth again. It feels really nice, as if hot chocolate was flowing through his veins.

Neil somehow senses something’s bothering the boy. He doesn’t think much and just asks. “So, what’s it that concerns you? I mean, sitting here, brooding all alone, in the dark.”

“I’m… uh, I don’t know, it’s stupid.”

“You can tell me; I don’t even know you, so no judging.” Having said that, Neil feels like something’s wrong with this sentence. How can he _say_ he doesn’t know the boy sitting next to him, but at the same time somehow _feel_ the exact opposite?

“I guess.” Todd hesitates, but goes on. “But it really is stupid.” He laughs awkwardly. “It’s my sixteenth birthday in, like, three minutes from now, and you surely know what that means.”

“Aren’t you looking forward to it? I mean, most people are.” Neil puts out his cigarette. On some very deep level, he starts to understand everything, but he isn’t aware of it yet.

“Maybe that’s because most people aren’t so damn scared and anxious about so many things.” Slight tone of panic emerged in his voice. “I want to find that person, of course I do, but what if… what if it’s somehow faulty and I won’t even have one, the soulmate, and I will keep waiting, and searching, and waste all my life to chase something that had never really existed in the first place?” _This one gets me. Oh, god, he really does, doesn’t he?_ “Or even worse, what if I will find this person, but they turn out to be someone horrible and I would be sentenced to…”

“To spend your whole life with someone you don’t even remotely like.” Neil finishes the sentence for him. It got perfectly clear to him that this beautiful human being, sitting right there next to him, in the cold of the night, is the first person to ever fully understand what he’s been feeling all along.

Neil doesn’t say anything more. He just looks at Todd with understanding, and comfort, and something he would call a first glance of love. And he doesn’t want to stop looking. Ever again.

Bells in the near church start ringing. It’s midnight.

“It should be there by now. Don’t want to peek?” _That was actually quite hypocritical thing to say._

“I really don’t think I can. Could you maybe… read it for me?” The question is rhetorical. Without breaking the eye contact, Todd carefully pulls up his sleeve so Neil can look at the mark.

But he doesn’t have to look. He already knows. He keeps staring at Todd and whispers “I could drown in those eyes.” He nearly unconsciously starts untying the fabric on his wrist so the younger boy can see the skin under it. As the bandana falls off, Todd looks at the uncovered tattoo and gently touches it with his thumb.

He knows these words surrounded by scars, they are his words, unsaid, but somehow already carved in his mind. In his soul.

“You really have soft hands, you know?” Todd says, smiling genuinely, with comforted gleam in his eyes.

Their fingers find each other, and as they bond in the silent agreement, Neil feels something that he doesn’t recall feeling before. No concerns, no uncertainty, no crippling emptiness. Just overwhelming calm.

And that’s a feeling worth living for.

**Author's Note:**

> Behind the scenes: Drunk Charlie sees the boys holding hands and staring lovingly at each other through the window, and as he rushes onto the porch, he screams "Perry, rumor has it we're gonna be family!"
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoyed, kudos and comments always appreciated. my tumblr: firthycreature


End file.
